And here’s a truth worth repeating: motivation comes after action, not before. Don’t wait to “feel ready.” Ask instead: Am I willing to do this because it matters to me?If yes, take the next step — even a small one.Perfection isn’t the goal. Confidence grows through steady effort, self-trust, and showing up consistently.You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to care enough to keep going.

Of course, your mind will wander — that’s normal.It might toss out doubts or distractions. But mindfulness is about noticing those thoughts and letting them pass, without getting tangled in them. It’s a practice, not perfection.Start simple: take a minute to breathe deeply. Feel the air enter your nose, your chest rise, and your body relax. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back.That small act? It’s the foundation of real confidence — calm, grounded, and fully present.

Fear brings adrenaline. Instead of seeing it as a stop sign, treat it like fuel. That energy can push you to grow, to try, to keep going—even when things feel uncertain.Yes, you might stumble or mess up. But those moments are part of building confidence. Every mistake is a lesson, not a setback.So forget the myth that you must be fearless to be confident. Real confidence is choosing action despite fear, embracing discomfort, and showing up again and again.Turn fear into your ally—and watch how strong you become.

Break it down into four areas:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Love (relationships)</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Work (career, study, contribution)</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Play (fun, hobbies, relaxation)</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Health (physical and mental well-being)</li></ol>Think of someone who represents each area. (You = health.)Then ask: What do I want this person to say about me? Warm? Curious? Loyal? Driven?Those answers reflect your core values.Now, set small, meaningful goals in each area, guided by those values. Think in steps — short-, medium-, and long-term.And remember: the goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress with purpose.

Most people wait to feel confident before taking action. But that’s backwards. Confidence is built through action—by doing the scary thing, again and again, until it becomes natural.This is the real confidence cycle: act, learn, adjust, repeat.It’s messy, but powerful.The more you move, the stronger you get.Let’s dive deeper into how to make it work for you—and why fear doesn’t have to hold you back.

Here’s a surprising truth: repeating positive affirmations like “I am lovable” can actually backfire if you struggle with low self-esteem. A 2009 study found that such self-statements often triggered more negative thoughts—not less.Why? Because your mind fights back. It doubts what feels untrue.This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human. Like fear, negative thoughts are part of life. The goal isn’t to erase them—it’s to stop letting them control you.Self-acceptance, not endless self-esteem boosts, is the real path forward.

Learning the language of acceptance

You can even have fun with it. Imagine your negative thoughts as a cheesy radio station—Triple F: Fear, Flaws, and Failure—on repeat.Or turn your inner critic into a goofy song in your head. Sing it to the tune of “Happy Birthday” or picture the words as movie credits rolling by.Strange as it sounds, these playful tricks help you create distance. They stop the spiral and show you just how powerless those thoughts really are.So next time self-doubt strikes, remember: you don’t have to fight it—just see it, name it, and let it float on by.

Confidence isn’t the absence of fear—it’s the courage to act with it. Fear shows up when we step outside our comfort zones, whether it’s speaking in public, trying something new, or risking failure.That nervous energy? Totally normal. It’s your brain’s way of saying, “This matters.”Even the most confident people—leaders, athletes, performers—feel fear.The difference? They don’t wait for it to disappear. They move forward anyway.

Forging a new relationship with fear

Ever been in the same room as a truly confident person?You can feel their presence. They’re not fidgeting or zoning out — they’re fully there, locked into the moment.That’s the secret ingredient: presence.Confidence doesn’t come from being perfect — it comes from being engaged. Whether you’re speaking, listening, working, or playing, the more present you are, the more confident you become.Confident people aren’t fearless. They’ve just trained their minds to stop drifting and start paying attention — to sights, sounds, sensations, and people around them.This skill is called mindfulness.

Confidence through engagement

The main takeaway from The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris is that real confidence isn’t about eliminating fear, but pursuing your dreams despite it.Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) combines mindfulness, values, and committed action to help you move forward.Confidence grows through repeated action, reassessment, and aligning goals with what matters to you.By stepping outside your comfort zone and using techniques like mindfulness and defusing negative thoughts, you can harness fear as fuel and stay committed to your values-driven path.

Final Summary

So far, we’ve explored how confidence grows through action, not just positive thinking. We’ve seen how accepting fear and staying present are key. Now, let’s connect this to your values — the deeper “why” behind your goals.Here’s the confidence cycle in action:Practice a skill → Apply it in real life → Assess the result → Adjust your approach. Repeat.It’s simple, but not always easy. Doubts, boredom, or discomfort will show up. But if your actions are grounded in what truly matters to you, you’ll be more likely to keep going.So, what does matter to you?

Values in four areas of life

Now let’s decode what might be holding you back using FEAR:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Fusion – getting tangled in negative thoughts.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Excessive goals – setting unrealistic expectations.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Avoidance – dodging discomfort.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Remoteness from values – forgetting what truly matters to you.</li></ul> To overcome these, remember DARE:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Defusion – step back from unhelpful thoughts.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Acceptance – let discomfort exist without resisting it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Realistic goals – keep things doable and kind.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Embrace values – reconnect with your deeper purpose.</li></ul>

Here’s the final piece of your confidence puzzle — a few powerful tools to help you stay grounded, value-driven, and resilient as you grow.Stepping outside your comfort zone will naturally stir up fear or anxiety. That’s normal. But instead of resisting it, try using the acronym NAME:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Notice the fear — without judgment.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Acknowledge it — say to yourself, “Oh, there’s fear again.”</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Make space — breathe into it, let it be there without fighting it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Expand awareness — reconnect with your surroundings and your values.</li></ul>This quick process helps you stay present and grounded, even in moments of doubt.

Staying the course

What would your life look like if you had unlimited confidence?Maybe you'd finally write that novel, start dating again, or stay calm under pressure. Whatever your dream, confidence begins with clarity—not just about your goals, but about your values.Goals are finish lines: get the promotion, lose the weight, etc.Values are your compass: kindness, curiosity, integrity, courage, etc.They guide how you show up every day—especially when goals feel far away. Living by your values creates a deep, lasting drive that pushes you forward, even when fear shows up.

Reassessing your priorities

Think of your mind like a radio that plays both your native language and a new one you’re learning.The old messages don’t vanish—you just stop tuning in so closely. The same goes for your inner critic.Those harsh thoughts? They're just words, not truth.Instead of wrestling with them, try “defusion.” That means noticing a thought—like “I’m not good enough”—and reframing it: “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.” That subtle shift reminds you: It’s a thought, not a fact.

We’ve been taught to chase confidence and crush fear—but that mindset keeps us stuck. Real confidence isn’t about fixing fear, it’s about learning to work with it.The Confidence Gap flips the old rules with a powerful approach called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Training). Instead of avoiding discomfort, you’ll learn to stay grounded, act on your values, and build true resilience.It’s not about waiting to feel brave—it’s about moving forward anyway.Ready to stop doubting and start doing? Let’s begin!

Introduction

The Confidence Gap offers a refreshing approach to combating self-doubt and overcoming the constant pressure to be more confident. With practical tools, and strategies on how to embrace your fears rather than fight them, it offers a path to break free from the cycle of perfectionism and start living a life aligned with your values.

Drawing on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and mindfulness practices, this guide offers breakthrough insights and simple techniques for developing deep-seated, long-lasting confidence Too many of us miss out on opportunities in life because we lack self-confidence. Whether it’s public speaking, taking on a leadership role, or asking someone for a date, there are situations in which we just don't feel equipped to handle the challenges we face.  Russ Harris offers a surprising solution to low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity: Rather than trying to “get over” our fears, he says, the secret is to form a new and wiser relationship with them. Paradoxically, it’s only when we stop struggling against our fearfulness that we begin to find lasting freedom from it.  Drawing on the techniques of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a cutting-edge form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, The Confidence Gap explains how to:   • Free yourself from common misconceptions about what confidence is and how to build it  • Transform your relationship with fear and anxiety  • Clarify your core values and use them as your inspiration and motivation  • Use mindfulness to effectively handle negative thoughts and feelings.   “This book could save you years of psychological struggle, yank you out of negative emotional patterns, and help propel you to a much happier, more productive life.” —Martha Beck, author and Oprah Winfrey’s life coach